How Love Changed my life?
20 Sep '15

Arun Kumar

I'm a blogger who loves to write blogs on love, psychology and leadership. My passion is to share things around the world.

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How Love Changed my life?

My life was moving perfectly good until the end of 2013. Right from my childhood, i had a strong group of friends and of course my lovable family. Academically also, I was quite bright. Everything was going perfectly well, until I met her. No surprises. This girl was a colleague of mine. I never was in touch with her even though we were working together for more than a year. I already had a number of good friends around, so I used to focus fully on work, you know while at work. I never felt anything on her during those days. She is one among the colleagues and nothing much.

Apart from this, I had some passions and dreams at that time. I was always curious to do some business and want to be rich. Dreaming to earn millions of money and would love to serve people with those money. I don’t have any desire to have richer life with big house, expensive cars and branded clothes. I’m always happy to lead a simple life with my beautiful family and friends. Still, I was aggressive in my dreams. I was moving fast with my plans. I have started my own website blog and started writing it. It was going awesome..

On a fine morning, we both were made to be a part of the same team. Until now, I don’t any opinion about her. We have started working together in our projects. Usually, I don’t mingle with girls much. Same happened with her as well. Initially, I never initiated any talks. Even if she comes, I will be talking to her only related to work. We both were getting to know each other well.

At that point, I thought she is really different from other girls. Most of our friends cannot handle her well. She is always talkative and but still have her limit to any of her friends (even girls). She is too frank always and outspoken. Being interested in psychology, I just started admiring her and reading her most of the time. I was curious to know about her much. Sometime, she will behave in a childish manner and sometimes more matured. I started talking to her gradually. Our relationship turned into a good friendship.

Fun time started for us. We started working for the projects together alone even though there are few friends around. We started teasing each other and always fight each other. It made me to show my best humorous side. Only thing we felt was, we both are happy to the core. I still don’t know when did I fall for her. Love is always like that. It just happens. But I was afraid to tell her this because you know I obviously thought about how she’d take it. By then she was one among my best friends. I know she is crazy on me and she knows that i’m crazy. I always wanted to make her laugh. I did naughty things regularly and she always responds well to me. We both were in a different world altogether. I never crossed her limit at anytime. Not even touched her finger. That’s what she liked about me.

So, everything is going smoothly. She treated me too close and went to tell too personal about her. Oneday, I just told, i don’t like girls wearning Specs. And after a week or so she bought lens and had it in her eyes. Showed me how she looks with it, indirectly told it is for me and i’m confused why she did it. But felt happy inside.

Also, I know she is little possessive about me. She never wanted me to mingle with other girls as the way I treat her. She always wants me to sit with her for the project and chatted with me inside the office even though we are seated next to each other. These things took me high towards her even though it is tougher for me.

Being a guy who never spoken or interacted with girls during schools and college days, I felt really good when a girl is attached such closer to me. I really hated chatting and messaging. I would want to do this only with my life partner but somehow i started doing it with her without knowing that she will not be my mate. I just did very much less when comparing to other people. But for me it is a bigger thing. This life was going with all the confusions in my mind. I was also concentrating on my passion but it’s not going faster as the way I think it should go. As people use to say, love will make you blind and fool. Someday, I will be normal to her but someday I behave strangely by keeping up a distance.

She used to show her childhood photos and photos taken during colleges and family festivals only to me (not even other girls). Also, she expects me to admire her beauty and the photos she has shown me. As a nice guy, I always say all are good and off course she looked beautiful.

On a fine night while before going to my sleep, I just stopped myself and turn back to my passions and dreams. I realized that i just left behind and my focus is going towards her. After this thought, I could not behave to her normally. I just started to create a distance from her but I just struggled to do that. Someday, I could not control myself and will talk to her closely as a friend. But, she was not aware of my problems and she started getting closer to me.

One day, I just indirectly asked her whether she will be fallen in love. Will she be ready to get married to that guy? She told me that she was already proposed by 12 other guys right from her school and college days. She told that it is her decision to choose a guy and also stressed that their parents will not interfere with this. So, these things went into my head.

After few days around, I was thinking about whether I should stop or continue ahead. Even though our relationship was going for around 3 months, it went strong into my heart. Because, I’m not very much sure whether she also felt the same. So, I thought this is the right time for me to choose whether to stay or go away.

Next Morning, while we were going to the Cafeteria, I was looking dull. She asked me what’s the problem. I told her I was disturbed by a girl. She was curiously asked me who is that girl. But I didn’t tell her anything as i’m scared whether she will be angry at me. At that moment, my heart was hanged. She never shown any signs of feelings for me. If she would have loved me, she must be shocked or sad for what I have told. After going into our work desk, she pinged me and asked me what’s the problem is again and again.

So, I just started my story from the beginning. She is so curious to know about my story. But I was so hurted to reveal my story to a girl whom I have fallen in love with. Anyway, gradually I was telling my story. She cannot relate to the situation of her with my story. It was a very long chat and lasted hours. So, in the evening I thought she never felt anything with me. But, I know she realized that it was she. I told her that I’m going to tell about my love to the girl and will broke up my friendship with her. She advised me not to do that because it may hurt her feeling. She asked me to continue her friendship. But I was adamant and she stopped my conversation.

Later that day in the evening while I was travelling in my office bus, I just told her “That Girl is YOU” and expected she would scold me. As expected, she told me that she got hurted because of this. She told me that I have betrayed her. I can understand how much she got hurt. But, something is going inside me going on “Then, why the hell you behaved so closely?” . She repeatedly asked why I have done this. I just replied “I believed you also felt the same with your eyes and the smile you have shown me” She said “I have trusted you and thought you are a nice guy. You also behaved like a normaly guy. Don’t you understand the value of friendship.” One thing hurted most was that she never felt any sign of love from me. Yeah, I behaved normally

Finally, I asked sorry and told her that I felt guilty for doing this and asked her to forgive me. Then she told “Ok fine”. But she asked whether I will be behaving normally to her as a friend. I said “No Way. Hereafter, you are just a colleague for me. I will not talk to you”. But she said “Let’s be Good Friends. Behave normally to me. Forget about all these.”. But I’m not much convinced. I know it is very much tough for me to behave normally. Finally, she convinced me to behave normally as a good friend from the next day.

Next Morning. I setup my mind to behave normally. But, thought it be would good if I can meet her in person alone and ask sorry for this incident. So, I just messaged her to come to the Cafetaria in the morning. We just had a walk together. I just told her “I’m not sure why these things happened in my life. Never Expected these things to happen”. While I was saying this, tears started rolling out of my eyes. Because that is the moment I realized that she will not be a part of my life anymore. I never cried for anything in my life. Even though, I have many failures or problems in my life, I’m always a strong guy. But this thing melted me, was crying like a baby and made me realized how soft-hearted guy I was. Lot of things going in my mind at that moment. Because I lost my momentum in my passion because of her. Anyway, I felt relieved. Gave an Awkward situation to her. I said sorry number of times and At last she asked me sorry for making me to felt like that. But, I said it is my mistake and misjudgment.

So, for th next few days, I was behaving normally(Neither too close nor as a stranger). After a week, she started getting closer to me and suddenly I realized, it will not work out to be as a friend and do the same mistake again. So, I tried avoiding her by not speaking to her and not looking at her. It was tough for me in the beginning and then I used to it. But, she realized and ping me what was wrong.

I said, I cannot be normal as her friend. But, she said everything going normal. She never understood how much I was hurted inside. I know she will never understand my pain. I have no other way than to stop talking with her. I know I cannot hate her but I know she can hate me. So, my last bet is to make her hate me and go away from my life. So, I made her to hate me by chatting in a worst way. I tried to dump her in the chat conversation and make her irritated. This thing happened for a week. Then, at some point of time, she started hating me. She even told me that she hates me. This is what I want. It hurted inside and but it is good for both of us.

Conversation stopped. I made her to unfriend me from facebook and blocked from the office communicator. So, I removed her number from my mobile. Everything went as expected. I felt relieved. Also, I behaved like I was happy these day and never shown any pain outside. She is now a stranger to me and I’m her stanger. We were seated in the next desks in our office. We supposed to go for tea and lunch together with our friends. But, we will not be speaking or staring at each other. Those are some of the toughest days I have to face.

All of a sudden, I was on track with my dreams. I was focusing on my business. I just started writing blogs in my love site. I was writing many articles based on love tips and how to recover from love failure. It doesn’t mean that I forget all the things. I just started reading motivational books and listening to audio tapes. The worst part is I cannot share all these things to my friends except my only close friend. He has its own relationship problems. He can just convince me that everything will be alright soon. His life more worser than mine. I don’t want to share it with my office friends as it may create a bad opinion on her as most people cared me so much. I played it so cleverly that nobody can find out these facts.

It was little bit tough for me during the initial months. But I survived. Two years went without having any word with her. I think she doesn’t have anything to feel for me. Because I have hurted her that much. She looks to be fine and happy these days. I was also having good friends in my office. Everything went well. I thought this is the right time for me to make a move from that office so that I can avoid facing her. So, I have moved to a different organization during end of the year 2014. I just want to say Thanks and Sorry for all these events. So, I just wrote an email.

“Sorry to disturb you during your busy hours.. This should be my last message to you. You have really helped me a lot technically starting from the OpenStack Project. You have helped me to learn many stuffs in the cloud computing. You have also suggested me with some of the ideas for developing my websites. You really consider me as a good friend. Want to say thanks a lot for helping me grow technically.

Also, just want to say one more thing about a girl. “I have loved her a lot. She has created a deepest pain inside my heart which i could not recover from. I could not clear her memories out of my heart but she did wipe me off so easily and went far away. Once she told me that she wants me to be her lifelong good friend and she trusted me a lot but i have broken that trust and could not be her good friend.. I don’t know why I loved her so much in spite of having great passions and dreams in my life. Maybe because of her craziness, she inspired me, she cared for me, her beautiful heart, her unique character, i thought i’m the one who can make her happy forever, She Ignored me, maybe because i’m not good-looking, i’m from a different caste, not yet settled. I have stopped talking to her not because to hurt her or irritate her but because i want her to be peaceful & happy. I can’t cheat her or myself by pretending to be her friend and loving her inside. I’m afraid to see her eyes because when i do i will fall for her again. I never even told this to any of the friends because i want her to lead a peaceful life. Don’t want anybody to talk to her about the non-sense i did. I have 100 ways to impress her by doing the things which other guys are doing but i don’t want to. I want her to be impressed with the real me. If she never felt my love, its not my fault. May we don’t meant to be together. I never know what true love is but i loved her truly.  Having said that, she should never feel guilty or sorry for me. I know i’m lucky. I will get a nice girl who will cure all my pain, I can make her happy and pursue my dreams in my life. The following lines are dedicated to her.”

I tried to talk to her, but I don’t know what to say..

I am afraid she don’t want me to say anything..

So I don’t..

But inside of me there are words waiting to come out.

And tell her how I feel… like how I miss her..

And how I love her despite my broken heart..

And how I need her in my life. And especially how much I want her..

But those words may forever stay
in my heart… locked inside..

Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside her
too…

But I’ll never know ..!!!

I never want her to say anything. She just needs to forgive me if she can. I will never disturb her again.

Can you please convey the above messages if you know who that girl is !!!

Good Bye Cashew:-)

That’s it. This is the last message to her. I don’t know whether she read it or not. But, I’m relieved. Finally, this love made me a fool. Ofcourse, it is supposed to happen in anyone’s life at some point of time. I never saw her after this. It has been around 1 year and I was happy now. She is unlucky to miss a guy a like me. Hope she will be happy somewhere and get some lovable guy who should care her the way I would have.

Now i know why people are afraid to fall in love, because it hurts like hell when you lose it! ! !

I have lovable parents and caring sister. Very good friends who were always with no matter what the situation. My dream of my business is coming true. My websites are getting popular and started generating revenues.

The reason why I have written is to show it to my life partner. I hope she will read it and understand about my story. I know you will love me for what I’m. Hope I will get my ANGEL soon. Waiting for you ! ! !

About Arun Kumar

I'm a blogger who loves to write blogs on love, psychology and leadership. My passion is to share things around the world.

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