My life was moving perfectly good until the end of 2013. I have a strong group of friends and of course my family. Academically also, I was quite bright. Everything was going perfectly well, until I met her. No surprises. Everyone knows the balance already. This girl was a colleague of mine. I never was in touch with her even though we were working together for more than a year. I already had a number of good friends around, so I used to focus fully on work, you know while at work.
On a fine morning, I got to hear that she was going to leave from office due to harassment from our boss. I could see her talking in my boss’ cabin most of the time. I thought she was a regular bitch, but later only I came to know that she was never interested in such talks whereas our boss was compelling her to “mingle” with him often. Since all of us hated our boss single-heartedly, most of us were not in touch with her as well, because you very well know how “office politics” works in a regular corporate.
I really felt bad for her and I decided to call her that night. Actually, that was the first time I had ever talked to her apart from office matters. I consoled her and made sure that she felt better. She thanked me as she meant it and we even met for one last time before she left the town.
One single call turned into a good friendship. She was away from my town, almost 200-300 kms far. Things started like a once in a week msg. Since this girl did not have much friends around, she used to contact me whenever she needed me. Then it advanced to daily messages and finally continuous messages and everything. Slowly, we started to get closer. She started to share her world and so did I. She genuinely started to take care of me even while it was long distance. I still don’t know when did I fall for her. Love is always like that. It just happens. But I was afraid to tell her this because you know I obviously thought about how she’d take it. However, we both very well knew that where it was going. (Because both of us are grown ups I suppose). By then she was one among my best friends.
Months passed. I had an important examination coming up in November 14′ which determined my future. So it was like I was granted leave for almost 5 months. I called up one of my best friends for a lunch before hibernating for exam preparation. He was our mutual friend as well. He gave me a shocker that afternoon. During conversation, we accidentally talked about her, and he told me that she’s taken and he was sure of it. That just shattered my hopes like any other guy.
After two or three days, my study leave started as well. I was furious at myself. I switched off my phone and started grinding for almost 13-15 hours a day. This continued for almost a month. In between this, she was really worried about me as I was not available for most of the time. I genuinely asked her whether she was taken. She reassured that she wasn’t and it gave me hopes again and I got trapped to be frank. At one part of my brain, it was what my best buddy told me. There’s no way I have to disbelieve him because I trust him. On the other hand, she was also reassuring. I didn’t know what to do. This started to affect my studies. I decided to ask her about this, by giving subtle hints. I gave her pretty good hints and she never contradicted any of it. So I thought things were going my way. Until one day, when she asked me whether we were in love. That moment, I knew I was friend-zoned. Though she genuinely cared for me, I was devastated and this happened just couple of days before my exams. And no surprises, I performed badly at exams.
So I finally felt it was time for me to assess my situation. I asked her for sometime, maybe months. I was not feeling strong about that choice, but I was well sure I had to do it because If I decide to cling on to her even after knowing she doesn’t want me, things would end up in a disaster.
It was around Christmas. I felt awful during those times. Everyone around me were particularly happy because of the season of joy and I was just around them looking like a moron. I swear my looks would have just killed your moods. I didn’t use to see my friends for the last 3-4 months back then. I used to bolt myself in a room, created pain for my parents and last but not the least I blew my chance of passing the exams. (I used to be a topper in school and a good scholar in college.) Like any other guy, I was depressed. And finally after taking a break, I started seeing my friends again. I even had a nice road trip with them as well.
So this happened on the second Saturday in January 2015. I already had taken enough new year resolutions on how to improve my mental balance and stop being a sissy. This friend of mine was an easy going, live for the day and funnier kind of guy. I never knew he was going through depression. On Friday night, I accidentally went to see my friends near home (he is also one of them) out of an impulse. We shared a good laugh, laughed at each other as usual and I left early by 10 or something because I was very sleepy after work. I was really relaxed because I was hoping to get a 10 hour sleep as it was holiday next morning. I thought about her for a lot of time that night as well as I always did, I hugged my pillow tight and managed to sleep.
Can you believe that? You just laughed with your friend one night and next morning you wake up and you’re never going to see him again alive. This was the first time I lost someone special in my life. It felt really bad beyond words. I gathered enough strength before leaving from home and promised my mom that I would be fine. I went to the hospital with my friends. I consoled some of my friends who had already lost control.
And finally the hospital people showed me his dead body. He was lying there in his dress which he wore last night. I didn’t feel anything. I just walked out of that room and sat at an open place alone for sometime. I was just sitting there lost in oblivion. I looked upto sky, and tried to call God. Noone answered back. In a blink of second, I cried. Like a baby. I was crying my heart out. My friends came and hugged me real tight. Trust me it was what I needed the most then. Someone to hug me. Nothing else matters. It indeed need not be a woman. It just has to be a human. That’s all.
After I came to normal, I asked my friends what made him do this. He had shared his story to one of us. He had a 3 year long relationship with the girl he loved and she just broke up with him some four months before this happened, only because he was in an insecure position. He even had left a letter. Yeah, he was unemployed back then, but he loved her more than anything. Right time to ditch a guy right? Because she might have thought that he’s no longer going to climb out of hell. Love, my ass. And, this guy never showed it outside. He always carried a smile around him so that noone could ever get a clue.
The hardest part was when I had to spend time at his home when his mom was screaming before his body. It just breaks a normal human being apart. His dad was working abroad waiting to get his retirement after serving for some 20 years or so. He was abroad when this guy died. Watching an old man crying before his son is really painful to watch. Even though I knew, only then, I realised how much every parent loves his child even though they might never show it outside. His elder sister had already got married. Basically, his parents were living only for him. And he just forgot all of that just for a girl.
Like any other human being, I was just observing the reactions of how people cared for him from the amount of tear drops they were shedding.
Finally, out of the moon, his ex-girlfriend (bitch) came to see him for one last time. We really found it hard to hide our anger just because we didn’t want to create a scene at a place like that. We expected that she would cry. She just sat there quietly for a minute and walked out of there just like that!!
That was one among the scariest scenes I have ever encountered. Seriously, he gave up his life for a girl who wouldn’t even shed a tear for him even after him being dead.
It just shook all my logic and imagination about life. I mean I wasted almost 6 months for a girl who didn’t even value my emotions. When I asked her for a break, she didn’t even fight to hold me. She just let me go. Everything put together, I got confused and low again. But this time, things were different. I was trying to get back on track really and I quit giving up. I really felt I’m doing something.
And finally last month, I decided to give it a try again with the hope that she would understand me. I contacted her after letting go of all my egos. She just said that I’m such a nice person and if she was in my place, she never would have contacted ever again in her life. She said unless I contacted her, she wouldn’t have contacted me.
This time, I was really growing stronger inside. I already knew my plus points in life. I have a kick ass family, one hell of a friend circle, and an attitude to bounce back no matter how life knocks me down. I didn’t break her heart like she did to me and I didn’t end it like what we see in some stupid movies. I made a beautiful conversation, made sure it touched her heart, wished her all the best in life and let go of her with all my heart.
To realise this, it costed me a good friend.
In life, this is often a big price to pay. I don’t intend to seek attention here. All I’ve got to tell you is that if you have a friend or relative who is going through something like this, make sure he/she reads this. Please tell that they don’t have to worry about losing love in life. As time moves, it’ll settle. Hard times are always the toughest, but you’ll find sometime later that whatever goes around comes back around.
Have a great day folks. Never settle. Don’t give a tiny little rat fuck about things that don’t care about you. Really. Share a laugh with the people who care about you in this life. What else do you need really?